I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My penis needs a shock collar
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