Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize