can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Randomize
