I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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