This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
