peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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