Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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