I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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