literally had 100 drinks last night.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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