found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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