I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
