I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
