I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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