I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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