i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
