I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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