so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
