Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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