sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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