Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
