I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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