I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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