Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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