My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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