i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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