Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
