Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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