Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it was like his penis was on wheels.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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