you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
