dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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