She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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