you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
