I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
