The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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