Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
