It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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