i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
