my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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