When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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