so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
