Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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