I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
