Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
