I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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