I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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