Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
