is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
