Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
