The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
