Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
