she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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