woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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