chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
