that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
