Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
