Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize