Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
