It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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