Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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