it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
