I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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