My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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