i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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