she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
