how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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